Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief is a natural emotional reaction following a loss that is not openly accepted by society.

What sets disenfranchised grief apart is that it does not bring out sympathy or empathy in others. This sends the bereaved person a message that it is not acceptable to feel or express their pain and emotions.

According to Ken Doka, the American Grief and Loss expert who defined this grief in 1989 “Disenfranchised grief refers to a loss that’s not openly acknowledged, socially mourned or publicly supported”.

He stated that there are five categories of this type of grief. These are when:

• The loss isn’t seen as important by others.
• The type of loss isn’t acknowledged or is stigmatized.
• Some people are not seen as entitled to grieve.
• The circumstances of the death are denied.
• The way grief is expressed is judged by others.

It is normal and expected to grieve after any loss, but not all losses are viewed equally by those around us. Not feeling welcome or comfortable to outwardly mourn or express the emotions that come with a loss can be isolating and can prolong and complicate the grieving process.

Have a look below at Jimmy Stewart reading a touching poem about his dog 'Beau' on the Carson Tonight Show.

All grief is most certainly valid...

Living with Dementia

Perspective

I love this story from Irvin D. Yalom.

 

One of his patient's with breast cancer who throughout adolescence had been locked in a long, bitter struggle with her naysaying father. Looking forward to some form of reconciliation, she looked forward to her father driving her to college; a time she would be alone with him for several hours. The trip turned out to be a disaster. Her father behaved true to form by grousing at length about the ugly, garbage littered creek by the side of the road. She on the other hand saw no litter whatsoever in the beautiful, rustic, unspoiled stream. She found no way to respond and eventually, lapsing into silence, they spent the remainder of the trip looking away from each other.

 

Later, she made the same trip alone and was astounded to note that there were two streams - one each side of the road. ''This time I was the driver'', she said sadly, and the stream I saw was as ugly and polluted as her father had described it. But by the time she had learned to look out her father' window, it was too late - her father was dead and buried.

 

Yalom remarks that the story remained with him, and on many occasions he has reminded himself and his patients, 'Look out the other's window'. Try to see the world from another's perspective.

 

It's so relevant to many things in life such as empathy and honing our compassion for others. I think it's just awesome, and makes me want to delve into more of Yalom's writings.

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