Ben Franklin effect

Ben Franklin was one of the American founding fathers. He was a politician, writer, publisher, diplomat, scientist and inventor. It is Franklin’s picture on the $100 note. In his autobiography, Franklin relates a story about an unnamed hostile rival in the Pennsylvania Assembly who treated him with disdain.

Franklin set out to turn this antagonistic rival into a fan. Franklin was quite a book collector and discovered his rival had a particularly scarce book. He sent the rival a letter asking to borrow the rare book. His rival was flattered and agreed to lend Franklin the book. A week later Franklin sent it back with a thank-you note. The Ben Franklin effect comes from what happened next. The next time the legislature met, the rival approached Franklin and spoke to him in person with “a readiness to serve”. They became great friends, and their friendship continued to Franklin’s death.

Ben Franklin observed that if he asked a colleague for a favour, the colleague liked him more than if he did not ask him for a favour. At first glance, this seems counterintuitive. If you ask a person for a favour, you would think you would like the person more because they did you a favour; however, this is not the case. When a person does someone a favour, they feel good about themselves. The Golden Rule states that if you make a person feel good about themselves, they will like you. Asking someone to do you a favour is not all about you. It is all about the person doing you the favour.

"He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged." 

~ The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

Do not overuse this technique because Ben Franklin also said, "Guests, like fish begin to smell after three days" (as do people who ask too many favours). Getting people to like you is easy if you follow the Golden Rule. The hard part is following the Golden Rule because we must put the interest of others above our own.

The Ben Franklin effect disputes the idea that we do nice things for people we like, and ignore or mistreat those we don’t. The psychology shows we grow to like people for whom we do nice things, and end up disliking those to whom we are unkind. This leads to us building more social support with others the more we help them.

So next time you need to build rapport with someone who doesn’t seem to like you - try the Ben Franklin effect to improve your relationship with them.

Being Present

Your phone has already replaced your camera, calendar, and alarm clock. 

Don't let it replace your relationships.

Yesterday's Ignorance

Personal reflections on the dating world: If you’re a gay man, body image and insecurities are hugely magnified, much more so than in comparison to heterosexuals. In the 21st century, social media platforms like Instagram exacerbate these insecurities and force feed you your daily fix of unrealistic pressures of what the ideal body or partner should look like. It's nothing new that it's becoming more and more infused in to society, especially in the lives of the LGBT world. However, once the bedroom lights go off it's the conversation and the mind that you're going to be ultimately attracted to. Whether you want to admit that or not, this is what will sustain any meaningful relationship you'll ever have. Social media is all about comparisons, where we spend a lot of time admiring other people’s lives instead of investing in our own. Ignore the status quo. You can’t judge a book by its cover, and the same goes for people. Those looks will surely fade, but that personality is in it for the long haul.  
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind ~ Shakespeare

2018, In the Blink of an Eye

It was the Busta Rhymes, It was the Wursta Rhymes.

From the Ordinary to the Extraordinary.
2 interviews and 4 brake shoes,
Researching and breakthroughs.
New gins, old gins. New friends, old friends.
Relationships, Friendships, Hardships.

Auschwitz tours and Cards against Humanity,
Graphing data while losing my Sanity.
From breakfasts at the Junction, and bloody Coppers tryna function.
Yanny or Laurel, and every minor quarrel,
The piss-ups in Enniscorthy; bordering on the immoral.

Out fine dining or just eating Chickens,
Netflix and chill - scratching my Charles Dickens.
McGregor, Mourinho, and Kim Jong Un,
Causeways and Salt Mines and the Pope in Ballymun.

A little off the top, 20 on number seven,
BT, T.M.Lewin; feck the recession.
A year of kind and special acts,
And the scumbags, maggots, and cheap lousy [redacts].

From flossing to yodelling, to surgery on a grape,
I'm eating too many selection boxes, to maintain this shape.
A gazillion birthdays, 3 weddings and the christening.
Bustin' my balls in spontaneous River Dancin'.

Doctors checking, and dentists pulling,
Bar staff pouring...and me skulling.
Drinking-boozing, messy nights of fun.
Shots and beer, and Christ the fear.

Repealing the 8th, "It's Coming Home".
Donald Trump, and a Game of Thrones.
Over-worked and underlaid,
Wondering next when I'll get paid.

The M50 and swearing, but air travel's fine,
Albeit, I'm preloaded on wine.
Upload, download, liking and scrolling,
Ticking off bucket lists and scenes in Poland.

Jameson tours and the 90 foot of snow,
Hen parties, music; and the boats and hoes.
Stairways to Heaven and selfies from hell.
Hello to new employers, and to others farewell.

Overindulgence and moderation,
Peter Casey and a polling station.
Studying-advising, musing-procrastinating.
Always buying, more than saving.

To jumping in, and my comfort zones,
To the Lynx showers and the new colognes.
Bills, NCTs and Penalty Points.
Inbox checking, PowerPoints.

Wandering Northside, Southside, Countryside,
Wondering if I'll ever be Board Certified.
Presidential hopefuls and Michael D.
To too much thinking WITH my D.

And the working hard or hardly working,
The Titanic, volunteering, and all the flirting.
From reading comments in the Journal,
To overcoming societal hurdles.

Alarms, snooze; being lazy,
To newborn nieces...'Sup Baby!
Crossing a rope bridge in Northern tranquillity,
To working with disability, and wanting stability.

RIP Dolores and a Queen of Soul,
Royal Weddings, Backstops, and Brexit me hole!
Sober analysis and common sense,
Or being indecisive and sitting on the fence.

Laminating, researching, systematic-reviewing.
Gym and sweating, or sitting and regretting.
Dressing up, grooming and shaving,
Dating - Mating - Masturbating.

To being an ass, and a misplaced boarding pass,
To the comedy and laughs, that ye can't say at Mass.
The West of Ireland, Beasts from the East,
Afternoon tea in the sunny South East.

Happiness, sadness, pain and stress,
Sports and dog-walking...cleaning up his mess.
The whole shebang, and travels to London,
Crying-fighting-apologising...loving.

John Lewis and a cross city Luas; watering cans - hose pipe bans.
Bad weather, good weather - now and then.
That summer for 3 months, can we have it again?
Haps to the Baps, and VB-MAPPs;
Chicken wraps and hungover Macs.

Confirmations and celebrations,
Heuston station, agencies relocating.
Eating-munching, and trying not to choke,
Cleaning, scrubbing...leave the big pan to soak.

All the self-talk and the feeling well,
To the sneaky self-doubt...FML.
Hear me now, and hear me well,
It'll probably get worse before it gets well.

Every faux pas, and every blooper,
Fearing change, yet embracing the future.
To every yes, and every no,
From pillar to post, to the status quo.

So 2019, no quiet ones then,
In the words of a Pint-Man, "I'll go at it again".

Talk to your friends, Talk to wrong numbers, everyone!

The secret to small talk is putting yourself out there, being open, genuine, and vulnerable in your desire to connect with others. This is more important than managing every interaction perfectly.               

                "Well, if this means opening your door to those in need,

                those in pain,

                caring for them, listening to them,

                if this is practicing medicine, if this is treating a patient...

                then I am guilty as charged.

                Transference is inevitable...

                Every human being has an impact on another.

                Why don't we want that in a patient/doctor relationship?

                A doctor's mission should be not just to prevent death...

                but also to improve the quality of life.

                That's why you treat a disease, you win, you lose.

                You treat a person, I guarantee you, you win, no matter what the outcome.

                Don't let them anesthetize you. Don't let them numb you out to the miracle of life.

                Always live in awe of the glorious mechanism of the human body.

                Let that be the focus of your studies and not a quest for grades...

                which'll give you no idea what kind of doctor you will become.

                Don't wait till you're on the ward to get your humanity back.

                Start your interviewing skills. Start talking to strangers.

                Talk to your friends, Talk to wrong numbers, everyone."

~ Robin Williams, Patch Adams (1998)

Stereotypes

A great example of in-groups versus out-groups.

In a study from 1942, Americans were asked to describe the top two features of Russians. And they described them as 'brave and hard-working'. In 1948, during / coming to the end of the Cold War, they were asked the same question. They described them as 'cruel and conceited'. The Russians didn't change, what changed was their relationship to them over the intervening years. They went from being part of a group that they were, to being part of the out-group.


~ Paul Bloom 'The Psychology of Everything'

The Hungarian Suicide Song

'Gloomy Sunday' originally written by a Hungarian composer Rezső Seress after he broke up with his girlfriend in the 1930's.; a.k.a The Hungarian Suicide Song.

 

At least 100 suicides have been linked to the song in various countries, including both the composer and the composer's ex-girlfriend who poisoned herself after hearing it leaving a note simply saying, "Gloomy Sunday".

 

It was banned by the BBC up until 2002; who deemed the song "too upsetting" for the public

 

Stories of its notoriety include a man who heard a beggar singing it and immediately gave all his possessions away before jumping from a bridge to his death. In Budapest, a shopkeeper killed himself and left a note that quoted from the lyrics of the same song. In Berlin, a young shopkeeper hung herself. Beneath her feet, they found a copy of "Gloomy Sunday". In New York, a pretty secretary gassed herself, leaving behind her a request that “Gloomy Sunday” be played at her funeral. In London, a woman overdosed while listening to a record of the song over and over.

 

Is it the musical equivalent of M. Night Shyamalan's film The Happening, or simply myth?

 

Listen at your peril...

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Loss of a Partner in Old Age

Old people don't die of a 'broken heart', but because grief weakens their immune system, according to scientists.

 

Dr. Anna Phillips, who led the University of Birmingham study, said ''I believe it's the answer to why we see wives and husbands dying soon after the death of a spouse, who is their main social support.''

The researchers argue that this could help explain why elderly couples often die within days of each other. They found that bereavement causes stress hormones to become unbalanced in the elderly and lead to a reduction in immune system cells.

 

They analysed a type of white blood cell called the neutrophil, which plays a critical role in fending off any invasions of bacteria or other infectious agents that could lead to serious illnesses, such as pneumonia, which often claims the lives of elderly, bereaved people. While neutrophil numbers were not lowered in the older people, their ability to kill bacteria with destructive molecules called reactive-oxygen species was compromised.

 

However, the researchers found that the phenomenon was only seen in people older than 65. Younger people appear to be less susceptible to the physical effects of bereavement on their immune systems.

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''A broken heart bleeds tears''  
                                         ~ Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Suicide and Ireland

Figures from the Central Statistics Office show that the number of suicides registered in Ireland fell by 6% last year. The CSO's yearly summary shows 475 suicides were registered in 2013, compared to 507 in 2012. The CSO statistics show several counties recording rates of suicide well above the national average of 10.3 per 100,000 population. Males accounted for over 83% of all suicide deaths last year. The number of registered suicides in the 15-24 age group fell by 23% last year, however Ireland still has the fourth highest suicide rate in that age group in the European Union (RTE, 2014).

Women are likely to attempt suicide about three times more often than men, but men are, on average, three times more likely to actually kill themselves. These differences may be due to (1) a higher incidence of depression in women and (2) men's choice of more violent and lethal methods, such as shooting themselves or jumping off buildings. The suicide rate for both men and women is higher among those who have been divorced or widowed. Women's suicides are more likely to be triggered, although not certain to be triggered by any means, by failures in love relationships, whereas career failure more often prompts men's suicides (Shneidman, 1976). Further, a history of sexual or physical abuse significantly increases the likelihood of later suicide attempts (Garnefski & Arends, 1998).

Is suicide contagious?

Most people react to hearing the news of a suicide with sadness and curiosity. Some people react by attempting suicide themselves, often by the same method they have just heard about. Gould (1990) reported an increase in suicides during a 9-day period after widespread publicity about a suicide. Clusters of suicides (several people copying one person) seem to predominate among teenagers, with as many as 5% of all teenage suicides reflecting an imitation (Gould, 1990; Gould, Greenberg, Velting, & Shaffer, 2003). Suicide prevention charity Console has called for a real-time register of suicide data to be kept. It said it could then "act on timely and accurate statistics to put measures in place to prevent such phenomena as suicide clustering or contagion".

Why would anyone want to copy a suicide? First, suicides are often romanticized in the media: An attractive young person under unbearable pressure commits suicide and becomes a martyr to friends and peers by getting even with the (adult) world for creating such a difficult situation. Also, media accounts often describe in detail the methods used in the suicide, thereby providing a guide to potential victims. Little is reported about the paralysis, brain damage, and other tragic consequences of the incomplete or failed suicide or about how suicide is almost always associated with a severe psychological disorder. More important, even less is said about the futility of this method of solving problems (Gould, 1990, 2001; O’Carroll, 1990).

To prevent these tragedies, mental health professionals must intervene immediately in schools and other locations with people who might be depressed or otherwise vulnerable to the contagion of suicide. But it isn’t clear that suicide is ''contagious'' in the infectious disease sense. Rather, the stress of a friend’s suicide or some other major stress may affect several individuals who are vulnerable because of existing psychological disorders (Durand & Barlow, 2013).
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''The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness'' ~ Abraham Maslow

Hedgehog's Dilemma

The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs all seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur, for reasons they cannot avoid.

 

From 'Studies in Pessimism' (Schopenhauer, p. 142);

''A number of porcupines huddled together for warmth on a cold day in winter; but, as they began to prick one another with their quills, they were obliged to disperse. However the cold drove them together again, when just the same thing happened. At last, after many turns of huddling and dispersing, they discovered that they would be best off by remaining at a little distance from one another.

 

In the same way the need of society drives the human porcupines together, only to be mutually repelled by the many prickly and disagreeable qualities of their nature. The moderate distance which they at last discover to be the only tolerable condition of intercourse, is the code of politeness and fine manners; and those who transgress it are roughly told - in the English phrase - to keep their distance. By this arrangement the mutual need of warmth is only very moderately satisfied; but then people do not get pricked. A man who has some heat in himself prefers to remain outside, where he will neither prick other people nor get pricked himself.''

                            

Both Schopenhauer and Freud have used this situation to describe what they feel is the state of individuals in relation to others in society. The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behaviour and weak relationships.

 

The dilemma is also used to justify or explain introversion and isolationism. The concept originates from Arthur Schopenhauer's 'Parerga and Paralipomena'. It then entered the realm of psychology after the tale was discovered and adopted by Freud in 1921.

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Sometimes love can be a spiky situation.

Michelangelo Phenomenon

''Wait, I said IDEAL-self !!'



This is a pattern of relationship interdependence, in which close partners influence each other's dispositions, values, and behavioural patterns in such a manner as to bring both people closer to their ideal-selves. It suggests that close partners 'sculpt' one another's selves, shaping one another's skills and traits and promoting versus inhibiting one another's goal pursuits.

The concept was introduced by the US psychologist Stephen Michael Drigotas and several collaborators in an article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 1999, reporting the results of four experiments designed to elucidate the phenomenon.

Unsurprisingly, it is named after the Italian sculptor Michelangelo Buonarroti (1475 - 1564) who is said to have conceived of some sculptures as a process of bringing out figures already hidden in stone - by chipping away at the excess.

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''I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free''   ~ Michelangelo

Hikikomori

This culture bound syndrome is found almost exclusively in Japan, most commonly among male teenagers and young adults.

 

It is characterized by extreme social withdrawal and near total severance of contact with the outside world, without any other evidence of psychiatric or neurological disorder. It is usually triggered by an upsetting experience, such as being bullied, failing an examination, or experiencing a broken love affair. People with the disorder usually lock themselves in their bedrooms and refuse to come out for weeks, months, or even years.

 

A theory, advanced by Ryu Murakami in an essay entitled, "Japan's Lost Generation," suggests that Japan's worship at the alter of high-technology may in some way be responsible:

 

"Japanese society is caught in a paradox: it is concerned with the increase of socially withdrawn kids, while at the same time it applauds gizmos like the new Sony PlayStation, which comes equipped with an Internet terminal and a DVD player. Technology like that has made it possible to produce animated movies and graphics, as well as conduct commercial transactions, without ever stepping out of the house. It inevitably fixes people in their individual space. In this information society, none of us can be free from being somewhat socially withdrawn."

 

The disorder was first recognized in the 1970's and the word hikikomori was first applied to it by the Japanese Health and Welfare Ministry in 1991.