A huge depression over Ireland…and now the weather forecast.

At this stage I think Irish people would be better off evolving gills.

The fact that these exist makes me a happier humanoid.

So put down that paper IMMEDIATELY - and bury your face in to some of these classics.


How many lies could Pinocchio tell before it became lethal?
Does Winnie the Pooh have a B12 Deficiency?
If Clouds Really Had Silver Linings
Defecating a Brick
Powering Disney’s Frozen with a Carnot Refrigerator
Effects of Dumping Pig Manure into a Lake –The Simpsons Movie
How much energy would be required for Game of Thrones dragon Viserion to destroy the Wall?
The Viability of coming in like a Wrecking Ball
Playing ‘The Floor is Lava’ in Real Life
Breaking Bad: Gus Fring’s Face Blown Off
How Long Would It Actually Take To Catch Them All?
Simply Walking into Mordor: How Much Lembas Would the Fellowship Have Needed?
"So hungry I could eat a horse!" - Could it be done?
Unbelievable Tekkers
How fast could a mermaid swim?
How far would The Proclaimers walk for you?
Temperature decrease in the brain from a Slush Puppie
Is purple rain possible?
Buddy the Elf’s Health Problems
The Range of the Dragon Shout in Skyrim
Could you survive on celery alone?
Slapping Someone Into Next Week
Are the Hometrees in James Cameron’s Avatar Structurally Possible?
Spidey Motion
Is it possible to cry a river?
The Viability of Throwing Giant Tortoises onto Mines


Pdfs for these available and many other page-turners here: Journal of Interdisciplinary Science Topics

Your eyes will fizz. Thank me later.

Writer's Block - Empirical Investigation

While in the midst of writing up the dissertation for my Master's degree, I'd envy a paper of this length right about now. Getting it published in JABA wouldn't be too bad either I guess.

So many questions, but I can't seem to find the words...

Game of Thrones

All men must die ... be unethically labelled.

The Hound

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - an anxiety disorder associated with serious traumatic events and recurrent thoughts and images. PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.

John Snow

Martyr Complex - in psychology, a person who has a martyr complex, sometimes associated with the term victim complex, desires the feeling of being a martyr for his/her own sake, seeking out suffering or persecution because it feeds a psychological need. In some cases, this results from the belief that the martyr has been singled out for persecution because of exceptional ability or integrity. Other martyr complexes involve wilful suffering in the name of love or duty.
 

Tyrion Lannister

''I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder''

Small Man Syndrome - a popular term for the inferiority complex that short men in society are commonly assumed to possess, which causes them, at least per theory, to overcompensate by trying harder than men of average height in life’s activities.

Nothing some lemon cake won't sort out.

Sansa Stark
The Masochist - a person who obtains a primary or secondary gain from tolerating mental abuse from those in his or her circle of contact. The word  masochistic  is now commonly used to describe personality traits in an emotional, rather than sexual sense. 

Mag Mar Tun Doh Weg (Giant)
Marfan Syndrome - a genetic disorder that affects the body’s connective tissue. People with Marfan tend to be unusually tall, with long limbs and long, thin fingers. In most cases, Marfan syndrome is passed down through families (inherited). However, up to 30% of patients have no family history, which is called "sporadic." In sporadic cases, the syndrome is believed to be caused by a new gene change.

''Couldn't give a monkeys mate''

Joffrey Baratheon
Anti Social Personality Disorder - a type of chronic mental condition in which a person's ways of thinking, perceiving situations and relating to others are dysfunctional - and destructive. People with antisocial personality disorder typically have no regard for right and wrong and often disregard the rights, wishes and feelings of others. Those with antisocial personality disorder tend to antagonize, manipulate or treat others either harshly or with callous indifference. They may often violate the law, landing in frequent trouble, yet they show no guilt or remorse.

Reek
The Cataleptic - a body's persistence in unusual postures, with waxy rigidity of the limbs, mutism, and complete inactivity, regardless of outside stimuli.

He's available for children's parties too.

Ser Gregor Clegane
The Sadist - someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others; a sadist is all about hurting others, usually to get off sexually. However, this word is about more than sex. Anyone who is mean and enjoys it, like a bully, could be considered a sadist. The word sadistic is now commonly used to describe personality traits in an emotional, rather than sexual sense. Oh Mountain, you're going to be so annoyed when we explain all these jokes later.





 

Samwell Tarley
The Obese - excess body fat has accumulated to the extent that it may have a negative effect on health, leading to reduced life expectancy and/or increased health problems. I've seen less bloated men dredged out of rivers. Forget about White Walkers and sealing the tunnel, it's time to plug up Tarley's top-hole.

''Wat ye fookin say about me curls Snow?''

Ser Alliser Thorne

The Narcissist - an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.


 

''Not to be technical brother, but according to Pycell's
chemistry - alcohol is a solution''

 

 

Cersei Lannister
Alcoholism - a chronic disorder marked by excessive and usually compulsive drinking of alcohol leading to psychological and physical dependence or addiction. Forget about the simple Lannister cousin and his beetle smashing, it's the grape apocalypse that's more concerning. I think it's time to put the plug in the jug.

 

 

Anyone for bitty?

Robin Arryn
Oedipus Complex - a child's positive libidinal feelings toward the parent of the opposite sex and hostile or jealous feelings toward the parent of the same sex that develop usually between the ages of three and six and that may be a source of adult personality disorder when unresolved - used especially of the male child.


 

 

 

''Twerkin' ye say?''

 

Grand Maester Pycelle
The Malingerer - fabricating or exaggerating the symptoms of mental or physical disorders for a variety of "secondary gain" motives, especially in order to shirk one's duty, avoid work, etc.

 

 

She seems vexed...and yet she looked
so relaxed in the bath this morning?

 

 

Jorah Mormont
Obsessive love - a hypothetical state in which one person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess another person toward whom they feel a strong attraction, with an inability to accept failure or rejection.

 

Always. Always. Wear a helmet.

Oberyn Martell
The Sex Addict - ''Make sure you f**ked your fill before that day.''

The gene pool could do with a little chlorine

Lysa Arryn

Delusional Jealousy - a person with this delusion falsely believes that a spouse or lover is having an affair, with no proof to back up their claim. Othello Syndrome is a type of delusional jealousy, marked by suspecting a faithful partner of infidelity, with accompanying jealousy, attempts at monitoring and control, and sometimes violence. The problem is named for Shakespeare’s Othello, who murdered his beautiful wife Desdemona because he believed her unfaithful.



 

Hodor's date night was heating up.

Bran Stark
The Psychotic -  an abnormal condition of the mind, and is a generic psychiatric term for a mental state often described as involving a "loss of contact with reality".

Tywin Lannister
The Megalomaniac - ruthless, ambitious, amoral and the lust or craving for power. An arrow hurts just the same whether it's on the Iron Throne or the porcelain throne.

Drogon
The Pyromaniac - a mania for fire setting.










Podrick Payne
Casanova - What happened in that room?

Walder Frey
The Wedding Crasher
Back stabber
Bastard
[insert your own]

''It's sweaty balls up in here...''

Varys
Castration Complex - I suppose?

The armour discretely covered
her 'Who's the man' tattoo

Brienne of Tarth
Masculinity Complex - looks as though she could punch a train unconscious. Enough said.







____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
''Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.''
                                         ~ George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones    

Christmas Carol Favourites - The Therapist and his Client

Schizophrenia ~ Do You Hear What I Hear?

Depressed ~ Driving Off A Cliff For Christmas...

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ~ Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer...

Compulsive Gambler ~ Run Rudolph Run!!!

Passive Aggressive ~ All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names...

Agoraphobia ~ Hiding Behind The Christmas Tree, At The Christmas Party Hop...

Multiple Personality Disorder ~ We Three Queens Disoriented Are...

Alcoholic ~ All I Want For Christmas Is........To Get Sh*t-Faced!

Dementia ~ I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas...

Pyromaniac ~ Later on...we'll conspire...as we dream by the fire...

Tourette's ~ Jingle F**K! Jingle B****CKS!

Morbidly Obese ~ It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like...Diabetes !

Narcissistic ~ Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me...

Body Dysmorphic ~ All I Want for Christmas.......is 6% Body-Fat And A Nose Job

Paranoid ~ Santa Claus Is Coming To.....Get Me !

Hypochondriac ~ He's making a complaint, He's checking it twice, He's not very happy with his doctor's advice...

Erotomania ~ The Twelve Dicks of Christmas...

Sadistic ~ Jingle Bells, Baseball Bats With Holes, The Safety Word is Sleigh...

Masochistic ~ Rudolph the Red-Arsed Reindeer...

Antisocial Personality Disorder ~ Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you called me a scumbag, a maggot...

Social Phobia ~ Here Comes Santa Claus...Hide!

Borderline Personality Disorder ~ Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire...

Personality Disorder ~ You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why...

Insomniac ~ I'm.....Dreaming About....Sh*t All...

Manic ~ Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices....

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ~ Jingle Bells One, Jingle Bells Two, Jingle Bells Three, Jingle Bells Four, Jingle Bells Five, Jingle Bells Six, Jingle Bells Eight...Sh*t!...Jingle Bells One...

ADHD ~ He's Making A List, And Checking It Twice, Gonna Find Out...Do I Want Chicken Curry And Rice?

Exhibitionist ~ All I Want For Christmas...Is A Full Frontal !
 

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 ''The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live''                                                                                                                ~ George Carlin

Mirror Mirror on the Wall...



Rouge Test at 17.5 months 

An early test of self-recognition and awareness of oneself is the rouge test. Performed in front of a mirror, a child would have a spot of rouge make-up surreptitiously  placed on their forehead and the reactions based on the child's response to the mirror image would be assessed. It is successfully accomplished by most children by the age of 18 months.  And by god, once we did spot who was in the mirror looking out at us - we couldn't get enough it seems.

 

From clothes shops, shoe shops, sunglasses shops, and a bookies amongst others, some recent places that I have come into contact with this obvious necessity of a fixture include;

 

Starbucks! I'm looking at myself as I ordered a Starbucks the other day. Scruffy, half asleep and surrounded by coffee slurping smugatude...no escape!

 

In a TV store. I catch a glimpse of myself while I ponder which big electric b**tard to buy. While beside me kids jump about in front of an EIGHT FOOT MIRROR sporting 3D glasses, screaming at their parents who look at one other with an undertone of hatred in their eyes, ''Why God, Why us?''

 



@DoucheBag said,
''Ride-by Selfie...lol''

A bank! I mean what the fook? Yes, this is what it looks like to be broke. Haha, no they don't take bank bags full of buttons! ''Hey, I'm financially set for life as long as I die next Tuesday, you reflective son of a ...!''

 

I mean mirrors in phone shops? ''Yes, I think that this phone adequately portrays me as a bell-end, I'll take it''...just before you take a quick selfie and post it on Twitter along with some hoot of a line...Oh the hilarity.

 

In a deli shop! Right beside where you can heat up those heart-attack inducing lumps of dirt, while viewing the look of shame on your face as the microwave pings...and proceeding with a rubberneckers view of your own probable ''Oohh-face'' as scalding hot slop rolls from your chin.  

 

Discount Tuesdays: for those with room temperature I.Q's

What next, fruit and veg shops...''What would I look like eating this banana?'' Newsflash s***head, nobody knows where to look when you're eating a banana, so get over it.
 

Or petrol stations? Just in case you inadvertently go up in a ball of flames, well then at least you can have a front row view to your own smouldering crispy finale. ''20 on number 7 and some after-sun please''.

 

Years ago my grandmother used to come in from a night out and the first thing she would do is check how she looked in the mirror. Or I guess how she looked all those previous hours. I mean she was a great woman and everything, but sure by that stage there was no real point on fixing a stray hair. But nonetheless she did it and surprisingly not once was she presented with a 'There's Something about Mary' scenario.  





'Please leave the hotel room as you would like to find it'
Merle began first on tackling that unnecessary partition wall



Obviously we have the other side of the coin as with everything. Mirrors make a room feel more spacious...and all that Feng shui nonsense. Places such as barbers, fair enough, you're gonna have to wear this 10 euro haircut for the next few weeks...best to have a look at the butchery as it unfolds. Mirror shops, I suppose. Gyms, to inflate ego's or deflate self esteem, either-or.  



Maybe some people just got one too many ''Kick Me's'' posted on their back and you know, they have to check themselves every so often.

Le Moi. Now available in 42"

And then there's the addition of the 'Black mirrors'. Those omnipresent gadgets that allow you to view yourself on a continual basis; the screens of gadgets, TVs, mobile phones, computers through which we interact with the world. But that's for another days ramblings.

Jacques Lacan's Mirror Stage (1936) was described as a founding act that lead to the formation of the ego and the perception of the Subject. The baby's discovery of self is an intellectual act that involves the translation of an image into an idea - the idea of 'Me' or 'Self', or is it 'Selfie'?

Either way, it seems that in present times the "méconnaissance'' of the subject is truly no longer a concern.

__________________________________________________________________________

''Let us be grateful to the mirror for revealing to us our appearance only''
                                                                                                ~ Samuel Butler

Pareidolia

This is the imagined perception of a pattern or meaning where it does not actually exist, as in considering the moon to have human features or why you might see an animal figure in the clouds above. Derived from the Greek (para, ''amiss, wrong'') + (eidōlon, ''image''), it is a psychological phenomenon that causes some people to see a vague or random image as something significant.

 

The famous Rorschach inkblot tests (right) use pareidolia in an attempt to gain insight into a person's mental state and for personality assessments.

A prime example of pareidolia is in connections to religious themes and images. From the Shroud of Turin, a cloth bearing the image of a man - which some believe to be Jesus; to Jesus on burnt toast; to tealeaves Jesus peering up  from someone's cup, pareidolia has had people far and wide screaming miracles.

 

Research shows that a brain region called the fusiform face area is important in recognizing and distinguishing faces. So we're pretty much "hard-wired" from birth to identify the human face - with minimal detail or effort.

Now you know it, prepare to be watched...from all angles.



''A 10 hour sleep and I still get hit across the head''



They had heard of the good
stuffing Mrs. Red had received



''Ladies ladies...Please!!
Form an orderly queue''



He hadn't seen him in a week...this wasn't going to be pretty

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

''What we see depends mainly on what we look for''
                                                                                ~ John Lubbock
 

Neurotic Society

Who ever said rap music was all about the Bitches, Hoes and Cristal? Lauryn Hill's new track goes deep.




Freud never relied on notes during analysis...
but he sure liked those Benjamins

Sick psycho psychology
In desperate need of psychiatry
Exorcisms, sobriety
Forcing Social lobotomies
People stuck in dichotomies
Pseudo sicko anxieties
Serial criminals dressed in variety
Social transvestism
Subliminal dressed up as piety
Transference projections
Like Cartesian images
Robbing innocence
Stealing inheritance
Quiet victims with no defence
Betrayed over dollars and cents
Maladjusted and ignorant
Maladdiction and dissonance
Too much addiction no consciousness
Don't trust it
The cosmology's busted, broken
It returns to the dust
It stinks of corruption
Oppression, deceit
Abuse in repeat
This Neurotic, Godless society.

''Is this a Neologism I See Before Me?''

They say that the average human being has a lexicon of about 10,000 words. While Shakespeare had a vocabulary of 60,000 including the introduction of about 3,000 words alone to the English language . . . But hey, screw Shakespeare! Nobody likes a show-off.

 

Seemingly the benchmark of an educated mind usually correlates with the size of the person's vocabulary. So in attempts to overtake Shakespeare and his MASSIVE . . . dictionary, people seem to be continually creating their own neologisms - newly coined words or expressions.

"These words are razors to my wounded heart"...well suck it up Tarquin, spoken language is only about 50,000 years old, and we're only getting around to the good stuff now!

1) mouse potato A 21st century version of the couch potato.
2) yellular The loudness one adopts during a bad cell phone connection.
3) academic bulimia Cram study session that results in everything you've learned being 'ink-puked' onto the paper; with immediate forgetting of everything you've learned.
4) spillion An immense number, especially of gallons of oil in the Gulf spill.

5) fatacular Spectacularly fat.

6) vegetarian A bad hunter; someone who survives by consuming not food, but the stuff food eats.

7) brickberry old, out-dated, monstrosity of a phone

8) staycation Takes time off but stays at home.

9) stitch n' bitch A gathering of women who like to partake in some knitting while having a good 'aul rant.

10) seagull manager A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh*ts on everything, and then leaves.

11) 404 Clueless.
12) Christmas bogus Receiving nothing from your employer at Christmas.
13) awk-word Difficult word to pronounce.
14) Darth Breather That annoying person wheezing away beside you at the cinema.
15) Bro Favor As opposed to 'Por Favor'; undertaken by a friend.
16) Frisbee-tarianism The belief that when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
17) piss-hap A mishap that generally involves you getting sh*t-faced.
18) Writer's Crap As opposed to 'cramp'.
19) Resolution rush people who swarm to the gym in the weeks after New Years.
20) scrou-venir Anything that you've kept (or stolen) from someone's house after you've slept with them.

Just another 49,980 and we'll be laughing...
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

- Chomsky would be turning in his . . ? . . bed . . . , if he heard some of this nonsense!

The Best Comedy Stand-Up Intro Of All Time? - THIS

I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium
Digital and smoke-free
A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction who's politically and anatomically ecologically incorrect
I've been up-linked and down-loaded, I've been in-putted and out-sourced
I know the up-side of down-sizing, I know the down-side of up-grading
I'm a high-tech low-life
A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal, multi-tasker and I can give ya a gigabyte in a nanosecond
I'm new-wave but I'm old-school and my inner child is outward-bound
I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer
I'm voice-activated and bio-degradable
I interface in my database, my database is in cyberspace
So I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time I'm radioactive
Behind the eight-ball, ahead of the curve, ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet, pushin' the envelope
I'm on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs
I got no need for coke and speed, I got no urge to binge and purge
I'm in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top but under-the-radar
A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary
A street-wise smart bomb, a top gun bottom feeder
I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps
I'm a totally on-going, big foot, slam dunk rain-maker with a pro-active out-reach
A raging work-aholic, a working rage-aholic
Out of rehab and in denial
I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda
Ya can't shut me up, ya can't dumb me down
'Cause I'm tireless and I'm wireless, I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers
I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward
Up-front, down-home, low rent, high-maintenance
Super-size, long-lasting, high definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last
I'm a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head-case
I'm prematurely post-traumatic and I have a love child who sends me hate mail
But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing
A supportive, bonding, nurturing, primary care-giver
My output is down but my income is up
I take a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash flow
I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports
I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant
I like rough sex, I like tough love
I use the F word in my email and the software on my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall, I bought a mini van at a mega-store
I eat fast food in the slow lane
I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes
A full-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-formulated, medical miracle
I been pre-washed, pro-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and I have an unlimited broadband capacity
I'm a rude dude but I'm the real deal; lean and mean
I'm cocked, locked and ready to rock; rough, tough, and hard to bluff
I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride
Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin', jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'
I don't snooze so I don't lose
I keep the pedal to the metal, and the rubber on the road
I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time
I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt
And I'm hangin' tough, over and out.


~ George Carlin from Life Is Worth Losing

YouTube Link to Video

Job Seeking Psychiatrists

This post is meant in good-spirits. Don't get offended. If we can't incorporate and utilise humour in our daily lives then we're already doomed. Live, love, and laugh a lot!

* ''I don't want you to think of me as your Psychiatrist. Instead, I want you to think of me as a mental patient who killed the Psychiatrist before you got here...''

* ''So you think you are a potato? . . . On the couch please...''

* ''Welcome to your first day of Freudian analysis. What seems to be the penis?...''

* ''You say that you are paranoid? But I have a report here that says you looked very relaxed in the bath this morning...''

* ''O.K, Word Associations. I'm going to say a word and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your breasts...''

* ''You seem to have emotional problems and a below average I.Q...I'm prescribing Jersey Shore...''

* ''If you don't think I'm a nosey b**tard, then why did you write that in your diary?''

* ''Yeah.....the voices in your head are not only real, but they're accurate too''

* ''It's time to take a good long look at yourself''... The narcissist agreed.

* ''You being followed here to this appointment is just a delusion, because I followed you and there was nobody following you...''

* ''Oh that's a classic dream...it means that you're a psycho...''
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

- Interpretations and Diagnoses' as above can lead to a life of licking stamps for dinner.

Crap joke of the Week

Pavlov?

That name rings a bell...